Stream of Consciousness

I find myself at times letting my mind wander while at work. Sometimes it takes the creative route where I start conceptualizing ideas for Stories and essays, while other times it takes the introspective route where I contemplate my mistakes in life and how one goes about correcting them, or at the least, dealing with them in a civilized way. It's these introspective times where I believe the choices are made, sometimes subconsciously, to do or not to do the strangest of things.

The wife and I were having a conversation the other day about what she had talked about with her counselor. My wife said she sometimes had strange thoughts that cloud her mind,mean things, or hurtful things, things you wouldn't share with anyone and are thoughts that no rational person would act on. The counselor said these were completely normal and happened to everyone. The question I ask to myself concerns those who don't have the rationale to keep these thoughts in check. Take a look at columbine or more recently, the shootings at Virginia Tech. While they will never know exactly what was going through the heads of these people before they started their killing spree, we do know that something wasn't ticking correctly.

My introspection usually involves unresolved issues with my parents deaths and the unwarranted guilt I sometimes feel in regards to it. I've mentioned it before, but my mother died when I was 14, when I was at an in between stage in my life, where I knew how things worked but still played the role of a child. I was in the dark about the true condition of my mother, a lot of that probably had to do with my innocent outlook and predominantly optimistic viewpoints. So when she died, I was stunned. I mean, I never had time to deal with it, to talk to her...

The guilt I feel about my Dad is different. I felt maybe that I should of took a harder stance with him to be sure that he seen his doctors more often and that he took his medication properly, but in all actuality, none of it was my fault. He was an old man, who decided he didn't care anymore and he died for it.

I also introspect on my career choice and schooling. I have a two year degree which in itself is really nothing. I have a decent job where I feel comfortable, but I always feel inside that I could of been something more. With that said, I know my life isn't over and I could start fresh and change everything from here on out, but I've placed obstacles in my own path that will make the job many times more difficult that it should of been. My mistakes as a teen come to mind as the biggest obstruction to career change. It's hard getting work when you have to check the box that says, "Have you ever been convicted of a felony."

I seem to have issues with relationships with people as well. I bet if you polled everyone that knew me, the majority of them would say I'm a great guy, yet I don't have very many people in my life that I can say is a great friend. The friends I used to have have all gone and started there own things and we rarely (or never in some cases) see each other or hang out. It probably stems from my lack of motivation to just call people, or maybe I'm just giving out a vibe that pushes people away. I could just be an asshole and no one is mean enough to just tell me.


After all, every Mike I know is a jackass, including the one in the mirror.

Mike

People

Everyone knows people in their life that are from another time or another place but don't see them very often. Maybe you went to school with them. Maybe they are related and live far away. Regardless, these people fall into two categories. Either, you act like no time has passed and you are still the greatest of friends. You spend the time reminiscing and catching up. You show legitimate concern of problems of theirs and issues they have, and they feel the same about you. OR, you have this uncomfortable feeling between yourselves. There is some history or lack of history that leaves a haze over your relationships. One side or the other may show genuine concern, but the other shows an apathy or general distance. Many times, things are said, "How have you been?", or "Still in the same job?", where the answer is a quick yes with little elaboration. More times you don't have much to say at all. You find that you really don't know these people anymore and you're not sure you ever did.

Take my best friend growing up, Al. We had a falling out because of money and a difference of opinion, mainly about my wife's cousin and didn't speak for a couple years over it. We rarely speak now, and its just generic whatever stuff.

Take The best man in my wedding, Elliot. We had a falling out over my wife. I don't really speak to him anymore at all. When I do run into him, its the quick, distant chat.

Look at my brothers and sisters. I was the child that wasn't supposed to be. My next youngest brother was 15 years old when I was born, so that pretty much means I didn't grow up with them. By the time I was old enough to be a responsible adult, they have already been there, done that and we have little in common.

The closest people in my life are my wife, my children and my wife's family and I can't figure out exactly when it happened. Did most of my family and friends just forget about me, did I forget about them, or both? I'm not really sure. There was a time in my life where I wasn't sure when I was gonna eat next or where I was gonna sleep. When I did have a place to sleep, I had little privacy and little more than a rolled up mattress on someones living room floor. It was probably this time where I lost friends. I used some of them until they were tired of me. It was probably this time where I lost touch with family as I was too busy trying to survive to keep in touch.

Regardless of why it happens, it happens. So I guess I can either deal with it and move on or continue to dwell on it further.

Greek Town Casino & Customer Service

I'm the best man in my wife's Sister's wedding. So I decided to take out my soon to be brother-in-law to the Greek Town Casino, downtown Detroit, last Saturday. I figured a night of gambling, good eats, and entertainment would be a welcome change for a guy who has four young children at home. The entire party consisted of the Soon to be Groom, his brother, a childhood friend, a neighbor, and myself. We decide to park in the attached parking garage and because it's a Saturday, the garage was packed. They have a connected walkway on the 3rd floor of the garage to take you through a restaurant\shopping area, then a small walk across the street into the casino.

Now from here on, I had several run-ins with the staff at the Casino and my experience with them fell into two categories. Either I was incredibly pleased or completely alienated by them. The first encounter was with the security guard at the entrance. He was checking ID's and looking for suspicious characters. This fellow was a joy to deal with. You can tell he loved his job and loved conversing with the patrons. Good start. I was pretty overwhelmed by the casino at first. Being my first time there, I really didn't know where anything was. This was the Grooms second time in the casino and wanted to head straight for the roulette tables. While I was interested in finding the poker room, I went with him to keep him company. The rest of our party split up temporarily.

My second run-in with the staff at Greek Town was with Wesley. He was working the roulette table we started at. Actually, he was in the process of opening the table we started at and while waiting for the pit boss to clear him to start, we had plenty of opportunity to chit chat about the casino. Wesley was another one of those guys who really loved his job. He explained the game and how the casino worked, gave us advise, gave us directions and made it a pleasure to lose money. I lost $99 in about 20 minutes at the table. I kept a $1 chip for a souvenir.

I was determined not to waste anymore money at the roulette tables so we ventured off to find the p0ker room. We connected up with the Groom's brother and friend. In the half hour or so that we were separated, his brother Justin swooned several ladies, got a VIP card, jumped a line or two, got some drinks and a phone number. He also was fond of the staff. This soon changed.

The poker room was a cluster of people and we avoided it at first pass, but before the night was over, I hung out there to see how it worked and maybe get a table. I watched a table for about 10 minutes and watched a guy lose about $300 on a bad beat. Seeing an opening at a table, I asked one of the workers if I could just sit down. I was then berated and informed that "NO, you may not sit down. All tables are on a list. See the check-in." She then turned her back to me and pretended I wasn't there. This was pretty common in the poker room. They should have a sign posted or something. If the casino wants my money, they should at least be kind enough to tell me how I can give it to them.

I couldn't wait around to get a table. The rest of our party was soundly broke at this time. The Groom was up $300 at the roulette table for a short while but, like me, was down $100 before long. The rest of our party was so broke that part 2 and 3 of our evening was canceled (The good eats and entertainment parts). So we stopped at Burger King to feed the animals and took them home. I took the Groom out to Applebees afterwards to chit-chat and talk about what could of been, and went home happy, but down about $150.