Stream of Consciousness

I find myself at times letting my mind wander while at work. Sometimes it takes the creative route where I start conceptualizing ideas for Stories and essays, while other times it takes the introspective route where I contemplate my mistakes in life and how one goes about correcting them, or at the least, dealing with them in a civilized way. It's these introspective times where I believe the choices are made, sometimes subconsciously, to do or not to do the strangest of things.

The wife and I were having a conversation the other day about what she had talked about with her counselor. My wife said she sometimes had strange thoughts that cloud her mind,mean things, or hurtful things, things you wouldn't share with anyone and are thoughts that no rational person would act on. The counselor said these were completely normal and happened to everyone. The question I ask to myself concerns those who don't have the rationale to keep these thoughts in check. Take a look at columbine or more recently, the shootings at Virginia Tech. While they will never know exactly what was going through the heads of these people before they started their killing spree, we do know that something wasn't ticking correctly.

My introspection usually involves unresolved issues with my parents deaths and the unwarranted guilt I sometimes feel in regards to it. I've mentioned it before, but my mother died when I was 14, when I was at an in between stage in my life, where I knew how things worked but still played the role of a child. I was in the dark about the true condition of my mother, a lot of that probably had to do with my innocent outlook and predominantly optimistic viewpoints. So when she died, I was stunned. I mean, I never had time to deal with it, to talk to her...

The guilt I feel about my Dad is different. I felt maybe that I should of took a harder stance with him to be sure that he seen his doctors more often and that he took his medication properly, but in all actuality, none of it was my fault. He was an old man, who decided he didn't care anymore and he died for it.

I also introspect on my career choice and schooling. I have a two year degree which in itself is really nothing. I have a decent job where I feel comfortable, but I always feel inside that I could of been something more. With that said, I know my life isn't over and I could start fresh and change everything from here on out, but I've placed obstacles in my own path that will make the job many times more difficult that it should of been. My mistakes as a teen come to mind as the biggest obstruction to career change. It's hard getting work when you have to check the box that says, "Have you ever been convicted of a felony."

I seem to have issues with relationships with people as well. I bet if you polled everyone that knew me, the majority of them would say I'm a great guy, yet I don't have very many people in my life that I can say is a great friend. The friends I used to have have all gone and started there own things and we rarely (or never in some cases) see each other or hang out. It probably stems from my lack of motivation to just call people, or maybe I'm just giving out a vibe that pushes people away. I could just be an asshole and no one is mean enough to just tell me.


After all, every Mike I know is a jackass, including the one in the mirror.

Mike