Wednesday, August 23, 2006

So Yeah, I'm Going To Dwell On It More

I used to be close to my cousin Tracy. There is about 6 months age difference between us and we got along well as little kids. My Uncle John, Tracy's dad, got a job offer in Minnesota and ended up moving the whole family there. I still saw my cousin on holidays and on other special occasions. We used to write each other letters back and forth (remember when people used to write letters?). We were both teenagers, had problems and liked to have someone to talk to that didn't criticize us. Eventually, the letter writing stopped and we fell out of touch. Add to the fact that my life was in disarray for a few years, this isn't too surprising.

A few years ago, I started talking to her again, well, I should say that we talked a couple times and she asked about what happened to me for those "out of touch" years, so I wrote her an email about it. I just ran across the email and since I was going to tell this story anyway, I figured I'd just post the email.

(Original E-Mail edited for spelling, grammar and general cleanup. The text added in brackets is for clarification.)

[Tracy asked me about the child we lost and offered her condolences]
Thank you. Besides a degree, having a child is one of the most important things I've wanted since I got married. Anyways, sorry about not doing this sooner. This is one of those things you got to work up to do and being that I did this once, it's kinda hard to do it again. [I wrote this story out for her only to accidentally delete it prior to sending it] Anyways, I may sound redundant in some of the stuff I'm saying, I don't know what you know and what you don't, so I'm gonna say it all.

I'll start way back in the way back. I have to say, one of the fondest memories in my life was the short period of time when we used to write back and forth to each other. Before the Internet and before I was about to pay for long distance, letter writing is the next best thing. Kinda like having my very own pen pal and I just wanted you to know that I appreciated it. Every word, complaint and what not, even though I didn't always write back. At the time, I thought my life was pretty busy. Sha, it was nothing compared to what came later. My Dad is an alcoholic, and was pretty bad when I was growing up. Never violent mind you, but not the kinda person you like to be around when he's drinking either. After my Mom died, he started drinking some hard stuff. He was dry for a while, but life just got to him and he caved in and started drinking himself to sleep every night. I missed my Mom pretty bad, I still do, but I have to say that some of the best years of my life followed her death. Everything was easy, seemed to make sense, I had a plan and it was easy street.

Here's the plan. I'm going to school, honor student, got a job, getting $400 a month from Social Security because my Mom died. I gotta free ride to college, just gotta live at home and do my thing. Well, plan didn't work. When I was 16-17, my Dad lost his job. He was a maintenance Man at the Apartment complex we lived at, and every other week, he is on call to fix night emergencies and such. He decided to take care of one of these calls completely wasted out of his mind Drunk. Needless to say, he lost his job, we lost the Apartment and we had to be out in 2 weeks. My Senior Year.

We left everything. We had no where to put any of it. We could only take the essentials, I bet we left 95% of our stuff. We lost photo albums, books, pictures, furniture. I was a dumb unprepared kid and my Dad was depressed and out of his mind to think straight. He was moving to Detroit, to live with his old Friend Ole and I was welcome to go, but I was half a year from graduating from High School, so I stayed.

I slept on the living room floor at my friend Lloyd's house while I finished school. I had no privacy, no where to put my stuff, and no clue what I was gonna do. As it turned out it got worse. Lloyd's dad wanted me out, that or pay $250\month to sleep on his living room floor. I moved. I moved into the basement of a friend's Girlfriends house, well her Mom's house. It was at this time that I got a letter from Your Mom. I couldn't tell ya what the letter said, but I remember there was a check inside for like $130 and it said that all you guys (You, Kelly, Jason) [Kelly and Jason were Tracy's younger siblings] chipped in to send me some cash because you guys knew I was in a bad way. I never said it at the time and it's probably past due, but Thank You. It saved my Ass at the time. There were times when I didn't know where or when I was gonna eat. It really helped. A lot of people in the family kinda wrote me off during that time in my life. Most didn't really know what I was doing or if I even really cared what was going on. I think I showed up when Grandma Died but to tell you the truth, I don't remember. In fact, I block a lot of that time out of my head. Grandpa gave me money when I graduated, so did Uncle Mike, I probably didn't even say thanks. Like I said, I was really out of it for years.

Anyways, I stayed there, working two jobs, preparing to go to school.(I still had my scholarship) I got into school and moved onto the campus of Oakland University. Full ride, Finally, things are gonna turn around. I got pneumonia, BAD, about half way through the semester. So bad in fact that I had to leave and spend about 3 weeks recuperating back at the friend's GF's Mom's house. During that time I got into a Car accident, almost totaling my car, and almost lost my job because I couldn't stand up, much less work. I ended up failing my classes that semester because of it. I started over the second semester, back at campus. About half way through the semester, I found out that my scholarship didn't cover room and board. I had to leave the campus and drop out. I couldn't attend school, or graduate much less with a $3500 bill from the university.

I moved in with a different Friend's Mom while he was away at University of Michigan. I rented out his room at $200\month. I finally got a place to sulk and cry in private, it was nice for awhile. I continued trying back at school till the university told me I couldn't go back until the bill was paid. So, I got a job, or two. At one point I had two full times and a part time job, but no idea what I was gonna do. I ended up falling behind on my rent, and had to move out. I moved in with a girl I worked with, renting out a room in her Trailer. Things were starting to look alright now, I was starting to get my head, and realize what life was about. The trailer sucked, it was drafty and freezing during the winter, the water went out all the time, as well as the heater. At one point the water pipes burst and Jenny, the girl I rented from, told me she was staying at a friends till she could get money to fix it. No water, No sewer. It was starting to suck again.

On a side note, I feel I need to say something. Susan was my girlfriend this entire time [My Wife now], still living at home with her Dad and step mom. She is the one and only thing that kept me sane during this whole bad time in my life. She was a level head when Mine was all over the place. I owe her my life, which I ended up giving her in marriage years later.

Anyways, Susan Graduated about the time the water went out of the Trailer. She took her graduation money and her adn I moved out together in out first apartment, rather an efficiency. Two rooms, the bathroom and the other room which posed as kitchen, living room and bedroom all in one. Anyways, things got better from there, mostly because of Susan. I was still a drone for years, just kinda doing what I did and getting what happiness I could find, when I could find it.

Well, everything is great now, but everyone I mentioned in this little recap (Family, friends, etc etc) has been impacted negatively through those 2-4 years. I don't know any of my family anymore, Most of those friends don't speak to me anymore because I used them up years ago. You know every year, for years, I would hear, in passing, how everyone was going to MN or traveling to Vegas or yadda yadda, and never once was I invited. Most of it was talked about in passing, like it slipped out in front of me.

My feelings were hurt for years, still are sometimes. Everyone in this family (and I'm generalizing, I know) Has wrote me off at one point or another because they thought I wrote you guys off. The fact of the matter was, I had nobody to help me. Not one God Damned Person, except Susan in my life. I couldn't think straight, much less think of others. I took what I could, and I hurt a lot of people on the way. My Mom is dead, my Dad was useless for years, and I really needed help. I didn't know how to function out in the real world, I didn't know how to ask for help, I didn't know where to seek help. I lost everything in my life. Every time I moved, I lost something. A photo, a letter, a toy, something. My Mom wrote me a letter of goodbye before she died. I lost that. That hurt me for years that I lost that.

OK. I sound vengeful and full of hate and spite. I'm not. Just hard to think about how things were when I cant think of good things to think about.

So that sums up about 3 years of my life, since then, it's been better, I'll tell ya about those another time.

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Tuesday, August 22, 2006

People

Everyone knows people in their life that are from another time or another place but don't see them very often. Maybe you went to school with them. Maybe they are related and live far away. Regardless, these people fall into two categories. Either, you act like no time has passed and you are still the greatest of friends. You spend the time reminiscing and catching up. You show legitimate concern of problems of theirs and issues they have, and they feel the same about you. OR, you have this uncomfortable feeling between yourselves. There is some history or lack of history that leaves a haze over your relationships. One side or the other may show genuine concern, but the other shows an apathy or general distance. Many times, things are said, "How have you been?", or "Still in the same job?", where the answer is a quick yes with little elaboration. More times you don't have much to say at all. You find that you really don't know these people anymore and you're not sure you ever did.

Take my best friend growing up, Al. We had a falling out because of money and a difference of opinion, mainly about my wife's cousin and didn't speak for a couple years over it. We rarely speak now, and its just generic whatever stuff.

Take The best man in my wedding, Elliot. We had a falling out over my wife. I don't really speak to him anymore at all. When I do run into him, its the quick, distant chat.

Look at my brothers and sisters. I was the child that wasn't supposed to be. My next youngest brother was 15 years old when I was born, so that pretty much means I didn't grow up with them. By the time I was old enough to be a responsible adult, they have already been there, done that and we have little in common.

The closest people in my life are my wife, my children and my wife's family and I can't figure out exactly when it happened. Did most of my family and friends just forget about me, did I forget about them, or both? I'm not really sure. There was a time in my life where I wasn't sure when I was gonna eat next or where I was gonna sleep. When I did have a place to sleep, I had little privacy and little more than a rolled up mattress on someones living room floor. It was probably this time where I lost friends. I used some of them until they were tired of me. It was probably this time where I lost touch with family as I was too busy trying to survive to keep in touch.

Regardless of why it happens, it happens. So I guess I can either deal with it and move on or continue to dwell on it further.

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