Ravings of the Eccentric

Let there be a call to arms. Be at alarm and be forewarned, for there is an evil of an unbeknownst proportion before us. Let us not be deceived on the grounds of it’s seemingly widespread presence, because commonality means not acceptance. And be not fooled for there are detailed accounts that lend verisimilitude to the story I tell. Though saying that, as I have said, my plight is far from over, far from won. Mine own enemy has all but infiltrated every home and place of eat. It surrounds me at every look. It balks me at every turn. And what is it that places shadows on my soul? What is it that tarnishes my very existence? What is it that so corrupts my past that I have eaten from it’s very evil? What is this forbidden fruit of which I preach? It is the pickle I say. The pickle is the food of the devil. The pickle is evil in the raw form of the word.

I beseech you all to not only throw away that evilist of consumables, but to be rid of its temptation forever. I beg you to listen, for your very soul may be at stake in this war against evil. Go to your iceboxes. Go to your refrigerators. Obtain the evil pickles from their place of rest, but be mindful not to even palpate the vessel in which the evil resides else you’ll be turned away from the good and be tempted to partake of the serpents fruit. You would be advised to use tongs. Once the evil is in your possession, you must say prayers to the all mighty and beg for forgiveness as I have done, for the next step in exorcizing yourself of this evil is contemptuous in itself. You must place the vessel of wanton evil desires into a box. You must then seal the package and deliver it away.

But to who? Who has the strength of will to fight that which is the devil’s own. Who can face the sheer terror of the most vile of the vile? In who can we trust with our inner thoughts and our deepest passions? Who will stand by us in our time of need. No priest or pastor has the strength. No reverend or monk is so attuned to good. No good sister or holy father can overcome its evil. When the pickle is within your grasp, send it to Grandma. It is Grandma and Grandma alone who shall defend our world from the forces compiling against us in the form of the devil’s fruit.